Reality Check

Our visit to the psychiatrist's office always begins in the same way. She asks questions that she already knows the answers to (example: medication dosage, age, etc). Then she continues with more of the same: How is he doing? Have you noticed any new behaviors? How is the aggression? How is the OCD? How is his attention span? How is his sleep? I could go on and on, but I will spare you. Once the Q and A is over, I am left to pull out my little sheet of paper with my own list of questions, things that I have wondered about or noticed over the past month.

This week I started off with his "pretend play". I explained that Bubba loves kitty cats and garbage trucks, and there are times that he pretends to be either a cat or a garbage truck. That is all well and good...except for the fact that it is very bizarre. This pretend play is not typical 3-year-old pretend play. He becomes so immersed in what he "is" that there is no reaching him. For example, as a cat, he crawls around on all fours, licking, meowing, and scratching things. When his name is called, he gives no response. He is lost in a cat's world. As a garbage truck he goes around the house revving his engine, picking up things (anything breakable or not), and throwing them over his back (as a garbage truck picks up a garbage can). He scrapes imaginary things off the walls and throws it over as well. When he is headed down the hallway, you better lookout because he WILL run you over. He has no idea that others are around.

The psychiatrist simply looked at me, smiled, and matter-of-factly said "Yes, that's part of the Aspergers". Then I continued with something I was much more concerned about. When I or Evander "come at" Bubba in a forceful way (not threatening but walking briskly and making eye contact), he cowers. Now that he talks, he will often say "Don't hit me" or "Don't push me". I immediately say "I would never do that Bubba", but it doesn't seem to sink in. Once I was cutting vegetables and turned around with the knife in my hand. He got this horrible look on his face and screamed, "Don't cut me Mommy! Don't cut me!" I have, of course, been thinking horrible thoughts. What could have happened to him in foster care? Was he abused before he came into our family? Is someone hurting him at school? I have also been thinking about what he might tell others. What if he tells his teachers that I tried to cut him? What if a stranger hears him say this?

The psychiatrist simply looked at me, smiled, and matter-of-factly said "Yes, that's part of the Aspergers". She went on to explain that Bubba has a distorted perception of reality. The way he sees things are not always the way things are. She said that, to him, eye contact is threatening. He sees eye contact as an act of aggression, so these thoughts are the first to come to his mind. Then she hit me with a sobering thought. "He only says these things at home because he is comfortable there, but he feels this way everywhere, with everyone." I felt like crying! Do you know how many times a day you make eye contact with a person? How many times a day does someone try to make eye contact with Bubba? No wonder he is anxious in social situations. No wonder he has problems with aggression. He thinks everyone is trying to hurt him.

Since then, I have been randomly stopping Bubba and asking to see his eyes. I then ask him "Does Mommy look mad? Does mommy look happy?" After he answers, I say "Sometimes Mommy likes to see your eyes, but mommy would never hurt you." The psychiatrist said that we need to start exercises like this, even though he is too young to understand, because one day he will. He needs to know that eye contact is not hurtful or mean.

We always go to the psychiatrist and start the same ole way. The questions are repetitive and ridiculous. We never end in the same way, though. I always leave feeling terrible for Bubba. She manages to give me a reality check once a month that puts everything back into perspective. I wish there was a manual explaining every possible symptom or behavior that Bubba may have. I really do want the information she gives, but I hate learning about it in that manner. Just give me all the info I need up front, so there is no confusion. If I understood the gravity of all the situations Bubba was in, I feel like I could help a lot more.